A Humble Experience of Love, Life & Death

I believe this is the first of my memoirs of what it’s like to live with the chronic and now terminal state of this pancreas disease, calcification, a-fib, blah, blah, blah.  So many labels and specialist, that to spew it all out in one sentence turns into a paragraph with an extended amount of commas.

My blog will continue my adventures of cars, events, and exciting things, but to it I will now add a huge piece of my life, the ending. While that might sound a little depressing, and it is, it’s also a rare and beautiful opportunity that I’ve been given as someone that is incredibly expressive. There is sadness, but much beauty too as I grow closer to returning to my celestial home with my ancestors.

We live each day, planning for the future, keeping commitments, and pushing for tomorrow, even if we know it’s not guaranteed. While we hope i still have a couple years left, we have had some scares, and we know that those years, as much as we hope we get them, are not fully guaranteed in my current state.

I want to die gracefully. I want my death and how I choose to handle it to be a humble experience for myself and those around me. Yes, I’m mad. It’s unfair. I’m young, I’m so many things, and now there’s things I’ll never got to be, and that’s ok. I could be angry at the world. Mad at Gods, the ancestral energy, chi flow, the universe. But I’m not.  This is the cycle of life, the process that begins the moment we take our very first breath of life as we exit the womb.

 I have a rare opportunity that not everyone gets. I get to make the memories, and say the goodbyes. There is much I can plan for and lift the load off my spouse when it’s time for my ashes to be spread. Sad, yes, as it’s one of the most beautiful and cruel love stories for those that have witnessed it. A firefighter that saves lives falls for the women of his dreams, a car building, drag racing, hot rod chick. Girl gets sick, guy marries girl to try to save her. Girl gets sicker and can’t be saved. The hero in the story can’t save the love of his life. She got her knight in shining armor, but it was turnout gear and a fire helmet. The story is beautiful and the two were written in the stars to be together.   That’s the short version of our story, minus some burnouts, racing, and trips to the lake.  Maybe in another life we’ll meet once again.  It’s my hope.

Dec. 30th, 2019 - Sz 0 jeans falling off.

Currently I am well under 100 pounds, my size 0 jeans slide down and fall off with any weight in a pocket. I wish it was as easy as simply eating more or taking vitamins. Unfortunately we’ve reached a state that my body no longer wants to absorb nutrients, vitamins, supplements, etc. Dehydration and malnutrition are familiar battles, and the ER visits for routine maintenance will/are becoming more frequent. I took this image today.  This what this auto immune and disease that’s calcifying my pancreas looks like. I hide it well with copious amounts of makeup and clothing, but on but this is the reality of what it’s like to be terminally ill.

Some of my upcoming posts may be sad, some may be informative and educational, others may be of experiences of what it feels like walking between two worlds when the veil is thin. These experiences are often beautiful, and are what allows me to have a comfort in knowing where I’m going is simply home. I’m a soul, a form of energy, having a human experience in this dimension.

Thank you, for being part of my journey. I look forward to seeing so many of you this year at the upcoming events, and please know I am open to all the hugs. Let us make memories and leave foot prints in the hearts of those we love.

 Kandi