Tonight I listened. I grabbed a few snacks, cranked the music up, and grabbed my pens and some paper. I knew what was coming, so I grabbed some Kleenex too.
Often when I crosshatch my little Skullie drawings or create some macabre art with my pens, I include an original poem with them. It’s part of the process. When I’m drawing and releasing, my mind is finally focused on just this and the words that want to flow with it.
Normally my mind is in a constant state of multiple thoughts. A monologue of creativities with commentary voices of every scenario, everything I’m doing, and random babbling. At any given time my brain is in a thousand different locations, hosting hundreds of subconscious conversations and decisions or ideas that are fluttering about. Sometimes they even have fun little accents.
At times, I am able to shut it all completely out and focus on what’s right in front of me. That only happens for me when I’m making tantric love to my husband, and the entire world ceases to exist outside our bedroom walls. Rarely, and usually when my mental health is hitting bottom, I’m able to lose myself entirely into a piece of part. I forget how badly my mind needs that release of the chaos. Just for a bit i get to see what’s right in front of me.
I feel the urge to create all the time, but I find myself feeling guilty if I choose to give it my attention. I understand how an artist or writer can get lost or wrapped up in their work for days, weeks, or months. It’s easy to see how they forget to exist outside their creative bubble. You can dive deep into your art and creations to forget the ugliness of the world. Why would you want to come back from that? Perhaps that’s why I choose to stop and step away from the world when it’s my last mental resort. I can’t focus on anything else and the world I see around me is crumbling, so I must loose myself, create, and release.
Once I’ve managed to put a piece of my soul on paper or a canvas of sorts, I feel like I can breathe a little bit better. The world around me is still noisy and chaotic, but I can manage instead of drowning in it.
I think I need to dedicate a little more ‘me’ time. Time to myself that I can create, and where I don’t feel guilty stepping away from house or work duties. Rob and I had spoke about making the basement my zen area. An area where I could escape, do yoga, listen to music, paint, draw, and just escape the world if I needed to. I think I’m ready for that.
His Love
Not a single soul had ever understood her the way he did.
His gaze would dance across her face even in her darkest moments.
His caress the only comfort when her world was ending.
His arms the saving grace she needed to lose herself in.
He loved her, despite her many flaws.
He loved her, despite her being broken.
He loved her for who she was and always had been.
He only wished she would see herself as he saw her.
©️ Kandi Blaze 2020
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