A Humble Experience of Love, Life & Death

I believe this is the first of my memoirs of what it’s like to live with the chronic and now terminal state of this pancreas disease, calcification, a-fib, blah, blah, blah.  So many labels and specialist, that to spew it all out in one sentence turns into a paragraph with an extended amount of commas.

My blog will continue my adventures of cars, events, and exciting things, but to it I will now add a huge piece of my life, the ending. While that might sound a little depressing, and it is, it’s also a rare and beautiful opportunity that I’ve been given as someone that is incredibly expressive. There is sadness, but much beauty too as I grow closer to returning to my celestial home with my ancestors.

We live each day, planning for the future, keeping commitments, and pushing for tomorrow, even if we know it’s not guaranteed. While we hope i still have a couple years left, we have had some scares, and we know that those years, as much as we hope we get them, are not fully guaranteed in my current state.

I want to die gracefully. I want my death and how I choose to handle it to be a humble experience for myself and those around me. Yes, I’m mad. It’s unfair. I’m young, I’m so many things, and now there’s things I’ll never got to be, and that’s ok. I could be angry at the world. Mad at Gods, the ancestral energy, chi flow, the universe. But I’m not.  This is the cycle of life, the process that begins the moment we take our very first breath of life as we exit the womb.

 I have a rare opportunity that not everyone gets. I get to make the memories, and say the goodbyes. There is much I can plan for and lift the load off my spouse when it’s time for my ashes to be spread. Sad, yes, as it’s one of the most beautiful and cruel love stories for those that have witnessed it. A firefighter that saves lives falls for the women of his dreams, a car building, drag racing, hot rod chick. Girl gets sick, guy marries girl to try to save her. Girl gets sicker and can’t be saved. The hero in the story can’t save the love of his life. She got her knight in shining armor, but it was turnout gear and a fire helmet. The story is beautiful and the two were written in the stars to be together.   That’s the short version of our story, minus some burnouts, racing, and trips to the lake.  Maybe in another life we’ll meet once again.  It’s my hope.

Dec. 30th, 2019 - Sz 0 jeans falling off.

Currently I am well under 100 pounds, my size 0 jeans slide down and fall off with any weight in a pocket. I wish it was as easy as simply eating more or taking vitamins. Unfortunately we’ve reached a state that my body no longer wants to absorb nutrients, vitamins, supplements, etc. Dehydration and malnutrition are familiar battles, and the ER visits for routine maintenance will/are becoming more frequent. I took this image today.  This what this auto immune and disease that’s calcifying my pancreas looks like. I hide it well with copious amounts of makeup and clothing, but on but this is the reality of what it’s like to be terminally ill.

Some of my upcoming posts may be sad, some may be informative and educational, others may be of experiences of what it feels like walking between two worlds when the veil is thin. These experiences are often beautiful, and are what allows me to have a comfort in knowing where I’m going is simply home. I’m a soul, a form of energy, having a human experience in this dimension.

Thank you, for being part of my journey. I look forward to seeing so many of you this year at the upcoming events, and please know I am open to all the hugs. Let us make memories and leave foot prints in the hearts of those we love.

 Kandi

The Answers We Awaited but Never Wanted

I’m sure many of you have noticed by now that there has been some significant weight loss to my already petite frame. Most of you already know I have battled most of my life with an immune system that likes to attack my body in every way humanly possible, and in some ways that seem humanly impossible.   I’ve battled cancers before, being in a wheelchair for several years of my life, and things we won’t even post on here.  We’ve been dealing with a lot of issues over the past year with my heart and cardiologist appointments, with my stomach, trips to the pulmonologist for my lungs, and so many issues with my pancreas.

Over the course of the last several months we have worked with every type of specialist that you can imagine, and even waited almost a month so my case with my pancreas could go in front of an entire board of the best specialists from all over. Currently my oncologist is now teaming up with a special pancreatic gastrointestinologist. I went from having and being in the hospital with acute pancreatitis flareups from my immune system, to chronic pancreatitis flareups, to every single day of my life now is a constant state of chronic pancreatic disease and the pain levels are absolutely inhuman. My pancreas is diseased,  and completely abnormal, and is now hardening, and not soft and pliable like it should be normally.  This makes for even the normal digestion or gas bubbles to be excruciating, and sometimes not even possible.  You don’t wanna know or experience what “not possible” means. I promise you!

Please, before you comment with recommendations or remedies, know that we have been traveling all over and seeing doctors and specialist and have tried everything that you can possibly imagine. Even the most extreme surgery of removing the pancreas completely and putting me in a constant state of diabetes with an insulin pump is not an option for me. My immune system at this state will not allow me to go under for surgery nor will I recover, and with already having my gallbladder removed, multiple stomach issues and long-term effects from the cancers, I will surely die on the table or in recovery. That is something multiple specialists have agreed upon. They cannot remove part or all of my pancreas, my pancreas will not heal, I cannot live without my pancreas, but it is not working right either. It is no longer allowing me to fully absorb my vitamins and nutrients, and the simple act of eating more than a couple bites is like playing a game of Russian roulette. You never know the outcome, but chances are it’s not going to be pretty, and you’re going to regret those few bites that you actually managed to get down. 

This Unfortunately has a ripple effect on my body. Because I’m not getting all the nutrients I need and vitamins, I am losing weight, when I haven’t ate right and keep fluids in or down, my heart will have more PVCs/PCA, a fib, tachycardia, etc.  The weight loss is wreaking havoc on the rheumatoid arthritis, which is where the auto immune issues stem from. I know, right? I get a superpower and my superpower is that my body gets to attack itself. LOL 

So, you’re probably asking yourself what’s the next step? To be honest with you I haven’t even filled you in on all the shitty aspects of it. That’s enough for now, and that’s all I can really deal with emotionally at the moment. My life is going to be a forever battle with this, and it will most definitely be shortened. Lucky for me I have an incredibly supportive husband, who has more compassion and one of his hands than most people I know combined.

I can’t take the idea or thought of not pushing myself every day, I’m going to continue to be the face of my hot rod shop, and getting up on stage with beautiful pin ups to emcee.  None of that will change (to a degree), but you will see it in my face and in my weight, that I am not as whole as I would like to be.  It’s taken quite the toll on my brain, and some days I just can’t quite grasp everything with the pain brain as we like to call it, but I have an amazing team and together we do it at the shop. At home I have Rob, and I honestly don’t think I could or would be able to do this without him.

I have only kept a very small handful of people in the full loop this whole time after doctor visit, after specialist visit, after CAT scans, after all the crazy shit we’ve been dealing with and doing. Unfortunately we still have a very long road to go, and a lot of things to accept, and more to expect with long term.  I haven’t mentioned anything on health in quite a while because I was blatantly accused of faking it, being sick for “attention”, and all sorts of stupid stuff from people that were supposed to be our family and friends. We have since removed ourself from those people/groups, because life is too short to deal with the drama and bullshit that other people want to say about you or accuse you of. Simply put, life is too short for the petty actions of others.  For this, my success, my happiness and my struggles, I am hated by many, and I choose to not allow it to affect us anymore. 

Thank you all for being part of our life, and following my Facebook posts, the hot Rod shop, and all those crazy fun adventures that we take. I’m always telling you guys that all we leave behind are foot prints and memories in the lives of others, and I’m telling you right now that is extremely true. When you feel your mortality, the only regrets you really have or things that you didn’t do because you thought you would have more time. The things that you would assume that you would regret, are more like life lessons and mistakes. The regrets are the moments that you didn’t take that you should have.

Stay humble, love hard.

Kandi

The Swamp of Sadness

Image by Frazees Photo Stash

The Swamp of Sadness 

As a little girl I bawled for hours when I realized Artax, the horse in the movie, “The Neverending Story” drowned in the mud because the deadly Swamp of Sadness had consumed him. He couldn’t see beyond it. Artax simply wasn’t strong enough. 

Atreyu, a young boy, and the main character of the movie, saw what was happening to his beloved horse, but despite his love, his pleas, and cries for Artax to keep going, the horse couldn’t see past the darkness that was consuming him. Deeper and deeper Artax would sink and fight, until he didn’t have any fight left in him. Atreyu couldn’t understand why Artax inevitably would give up. The boy pleaded and even shamed the horse for letting himself give in to his demise. 

Artax didn’t give up because he was physically tired of fighting his way out. The Swamp of Sadness ate his beauty and innocence, until he could no longer see hope and he was forever lost to the darkness that swallowed him up. Not even his best friend could pull him out or save him. 

To this day, the movie remains one of my all time favorites. The scene in the Swamp of Sadness was a heavy scar to carry as an extremely empathetic child. Even now I can’t watch the movie without bawling when Artax decides to give in to the sadness. As I grow older and deal with some of my own medical battles, the deaths of close friends and family, I often understand the scene and realize how deep and truly sad an experience must have been for the writer of the story. 

I believe we have our days and experiences where we’re Atreyu, and we conquer our quests, keep pushing despite our losses, and refuse to allow the darkness to creep in. Then there are days or moments, where we are in the Swamp of Sadness. Many fighting with their all, but continue to sink further and further, until engulfed in darkness.  I hope I never experience the personal hell like Artax must have felt when all hope was lost and he allowed himself to be consumed by the deadly Swamp of Sadness.  

Kandi Blaze McCrea 

Summer is for cars, ladies, and concerts!

It’s been far too long since I’ve published a new post. Life has been incredibly busy, but so is everyone’s.

image by SnS Fine Art

Let’s start off with the Cleveland Piston Powered Auto Rama that took place in March. Hell to the yes, it was amazing! For the last several years I volunteered my time at the Dragway 42 booth to promote the upcoming season, the new track, several events, and my hot rod shop. This year I little to no time to stay at the booth, as I was pulled in a thousand directions for emcee work during the Pin Up contest, interviews, photo shoots, and gear head conversations. This was the first year I didn’t get to see all the vehicles, but regardless, I saw an amazing amount of machinery, met some new faces, found some familiar ones, and in general, had an incredible time. Looking forward to doing it again in 2020!! 

April came around and held my 39 birthday. Wow! I’ve been told for over a decade now that I’d be lucky to see 40, and more than once I’ve been told that I would never see 40 years old with my past health battles. All I can tell you is this, as it reaches closer, I hope to not only prove anything is possible, but to also plan an epic 40th birthday. I don’t know that my dream of a Route 66 trip is actually going to happen for my 40th, but I’m going to keep dreaming that one day it will in fact happen. 

April was also the grand opening at the new location for the hot rod shop. What a roller coaster of emotions, expenses, and stress. We are in. We are up and running, and we are finally getting the work out. Some badass work as that! It felt like Corvette central for a while. Our reputation on custom fiberglass fabrication and repairs got out, and before you knew it, over half the vehicles in our shop were Corvettes. 

May brought my first low riders/hoppers show in Pontiac, MI. The Majestics Westside Detroit memorial day picnic was incredible!   The paint jobs, hydraulic systems, metal flake, culture, art, incredible paint jobs, and attention to detail blew me away! Not to mention one of the best sound systems I’ve ever heard in my life!  Several of us loved it so much that we marked on our calendar for next year! 

We also brought a new apprentice to the hot rod shop in May. At the end of the month we welcomed Emily ‘Mopar’ Mobley to our team. She’s currently under probation and has a few weeks to go until that ends. She has a year long apprenticeship, and if all goes well, she’ll become a permanent team member.

June was a busy month finishing up a couple of the classic rides since the shop was now up and functioning. ‘Chevy’ Cheyenne Johnson received a promotion and became the assistant shop foreman at Kandi’s.  

Later that month, myself and all of the ‘Kandi Girls’ visited Sugarcreek, OH for the Fabulous 50s Fling Cruise In in the downtown. We stayed at the Berlin Resort in Berlin, OH, one of my favorite places to stay when I frequently visit the area. Morgan (Ivy Electric), brought her mermaid tail with her for the adventure and I shot some video of her swimming in the beautiful salt water pool the hotel offers.  One little girl, maybe six years of age, walked in and saw Morgan swimming under water. She was all giggles and smiles, and she too loved mermaids so much that her bathing suit was made to look like a mermaid. The expression upon her face watching Morgan was priceless. 

July has been insane. I can’t seem to get the days straight, and sometimes they mold together. Events, emcee work, car shows, drag racing, grand babies, heavy metal festivals, and on it seems go. The month is almost over and i can’t even recall the start. 

One of the most memorable moments from this month was the InkCarceration Festival at the Ohio State Reformatory in Mansfield, OH this year. Not only do I love the MRPS for so many reasons... it’s beautiful and macabre for starters. Now it hosts one of the most amazing 3 day music festivals, featuring bands like: Godsmack, Shinedown, Seether, 5 Finger Death Punch, and many great others. We had VIP passes so I could get in the shade or head into air conditioning if needed, and boy did I need to a couple times! We reached mid to high 90’s during the event. 

We also lost half our body weight working our asses off in the hot rod shop during the sweltering heat. Ok, we didn’t lose much weight, more like our endurance and mojo. The 1969 Corvette was finished up with her custom Monza red paint job and fiberglass fabrication and repairs. She’s beautiful and the team did another great job! Now we’re on to the next rotisserie restoration. 

As the last week of July approaches, we prepare for our first Indiana adventure, and the following week we head to Gratiot, MI, then Lapeer, MI for some testing in the Nova, and Pontiac, MI for Tom Bailey’s Woodward Pre-Party, and Roadkill Nights.... oh how August is going to be even busier!! I don’t know if I’m excited or scared.

Making It Happen

Being a woman in the automotive industry has enough challenges as it is. Running or owning a small business is the same way. You take all the good you can get because you are faced with daily challenges, unprecedented undermining of your skills, and numerous rumors that you must sleep with everyone to get your work. I’m pretty sure every successful woman in the history of women being successful battled beyond belief. So when the good is good, it makes you want to grab it by the horns and go for an amazing ride of your life.

The last couple of weeks I have found myself suppressing my own happiness and joy, for the sake of “saving“ friendships, appeasing others, and even out right worrying about the rumors and voices of others with snide remarks.  I’ve heard it all lately. I’ve seen true colors from a lot of people, including those I would’ve considered close friends, and like-family. It hurts beyond measure that their anger and cynicism is over a friend working hard to try to succeed at something. 

I found myself tossing out numbers to people to justify their ‘holy shit’ facial expressions of the business growth. Why did I feel the need to explain and defend myself? Oh yea, it was the looks of disapproval or jealousy. I couldn’t understand those looks, so I found my self repeating what I was leaving, why I was moving, and the benefits, and no brainer to it. When I spelled it out to several people, they seemed to understand a little better and fully agree this was indeed a great move to make and I’d be stupid not to. Well, no shit! That’s why I’m doing it! 

People like to assume. You shouldn’t. People like to believe rumors and gossip, and they never bother looking at the other persons perspective. I’ve been excluded from a lot lately in my ‘family’ and circle of friends.  Why? Because of rumors, people that literally aren’t who they say they are, and pot stirrers that sit back and laugh at trying to make misery for others. I’ve withdrawn a lot from events that aren’t related to the automotive world.  To be honest, I don't have time for it and I’m tired of shedding tears and being stressed out because of what others think I may or may not be to fit their mold. 

Today I was overwhelmed with the amount of people that are rooting for the success of the hot rod shop.  The inspiration we, as a mostly female team of hot rod builders, give to young girls is priceless. We push the boundaries in this industry, and we defy the odds of what is expected in this type of business. 

I’m learning every step of the way to put a shell on my heart and keep pushing forward. It’s harder and harder to let people in, but despite rumors of me having a blackened soul and no heart... oh wait. That one is true. I might be the one that said that. ;) In all seriousness, I do have walls up that I didn’t have a year or so ago, and I don’t know if I’ll ever take them down. What I do know is, I was put on this earth to do what I love and encourage others to fully be themselves and embrace their passions in life. I have to realize that no one person can sabotage your dreams, even if it’s their goal. Fight for what you believe in (if it doesn’t harm anyone). 

Peace, love, and a little go fuck yourself to the haters.

A Passion Worth Fighting For

Kandi at Kandi’s Kustoms Hot Rod Shop
in her fire suit ready for 2019.

Many of you have heard the story a thousand times over of how I got my start in the hot rod industry and my spark of life (time of conception) at a racetrack. It’s hard to believe that several months ago, I almost gave up the very passion that drives me harder than anything, pushes me beyond measure, and has been a lifelong dream since I was in diapers.

It’s true. My health had been declining with every passing month, I couldn’t work as hard, or somedays at all on the machines that I so desperately loved. I started feeling like maybe, just maybe it was time for me to retire from the hot rod shop all together and focus on something else. Perhaps if I couldn’t be fully hands on, then maybe my place wasn’t building hot rods. I didn’t know what I wanted. The brain fogs of the rheumatoid arthritis and the heart acting up we’re causing such issues that I couldn’t focus, and I couldn’t remember a damn thing from one minute to the next.  I was stressed, losing hope, and I found myself contemplating the hot rod shop without me altogether. I seemed to be falling into a dark abyss with everything life was tossing my way.

Data is key to fixing. Round 2 of
heart monitoring 24/7 for 30 days.

Hope. Hope can take away everything when you lose it. Hope can also bring a ray of light in an unraveling situation. The strong and supportive relationship I have with my husband gave me hope with my health, and a proposal to marriage provided me with medical coverage to gain more answers and procedures that provide even more hope at a longer, healthier, and better functioning life. My kind and loving husband, Rob, has truly been a hero in more ways than he will ever understand. He’s given me the world to share with him. 

Like a light switch, it was an action and an event that took place at the hot rod shop one day. I found myself extremely defensive, nearly coddling the shop from harm like you would your child. I was infuriated at the potential of a situation and was standing my ground for the shop and every single person on the team. Not only did I see my passion was truly not lost, but my team also saw the fire burning in my eyes brighter than it had in a long time. Ever since that day, I’ve found myself pushing once again. It’s my dream, and I’ll die doing what I love, because it makes me truly happy in my soul. Let’s be honest, what the hell else would I do that wasn’t based around hot rods and antique machinery? I’d be miserable! 

You are the fire. Burn bright.

Kandi 

Hello Once Again

Kandi Blaze & Capt Rob McCrea
Image by Frazees Photostash

 Life has changed in so many ways since I last visited my blog. Writing was placed on the back burner as I witnessed the birth of my first grand baby, married my best friend, watched my pinstriping mentor and dear friend be placed in the earth. I gained new friends, closed the door on others, and began listening to my heart once more.

2019 will undoubtedly bring its challenges, but with that comes goals, adventures, and a variety of incredible news and upcoming events.

I started the year off with a new and improved heart monitor to get this suspected electrical issue worked out. My quality of life has regressed rather drastically with my heart the last twelve to sixteen months, but a new cardiologist that is seeking all the data we can get is where we start. We know of several of the current issues, and with a little more understanding and a lot more data, we might be able to progress with my health, or at least the heart, and then focus on the immune and rheumatoid arthritis. There is hope. Rob has given me so much hope at a healthier future.

image by Johnboy Ulman - Dragway 42

The first day of 2019 started out with the annual Dragway 42 Hangover Nationals! No better way to start the year than with drag racing in Ohio! It was a cold one at approx 36° for the high,  turnover no where near the bitterness of last years with a high of 4°.

Kandi’s Kustoms Hot Rod Shop had the honor of making the class trophies for the event. They were a huge hit among racers and spectators alike.

I hope this year to be able to dedicate a little more time to my writing, while enjoying other opportunities like cohosting and emceeing events across several states. Among other things, there will be more time at the track with the Nova having a big block transplant done and in the final stages of prepping for her new paint.

Last but not least, stay tuned for additional writings here, in Wicked Women Magazine, and in many other places.

Kandi